I edited my previous post.
To YOU
YOU
and YOU,
lucky you. You read the unedited version.
To the clueless you out there, you're wondering, What on earth made me edit my previous post, and what was it that i wrote that I have to review and edit it? That, my dear, I leave to your imagination.
Maybe you'd think that I've suddenly developed a fear of speaking out my mind, of being dead honest. You're wrong. It's just that my brand of honesty needs a steel heart to digest. and that might be more than what YOU, YOU and maybe YOU could take. So I gave YOU a watered down version, a wee bit diluted, but the punch remains. Sort of hits you like a gloved fist. Soft but hard. not to give you a vicious hang-over, but maybe just a lil' bit of bitter taste in your mouth and a soft pounding in your head.
and YOU, yeah YOU... shaking your head and asking wtf am I saying, just forget it. I'm not talking about you.
I'm just being me. Sarcastically honest temperamental me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
2nd CHANCES - KEEPING THE DOOR OPEN -edited
Reading her entry about giving second chances in relationship makes me reminisce on my own experience. She said that we girls always keep the door half-open even when we say that we are ending it. We believe in the miracle called second chances. Somehow things are going to work this time around.
Oh, we'll make it this time.
It will work out fine this time.
He's truly sorry. Surely he'll change.
You know, just like the time when...
You thought he was the one. The person that'll hold your hand as you walk the journey of life. You started as the best of friends until one day, you looked at each other and decided that the 'next step' is naturally the most natural thing to do. So you embark on the path of coupledom. You went on to experience the usual stuffs that couples have (well at least I think all couples went through this), you had our fair share of happy moments, tender moments as well as the ocassional bumpy rides. But you kept on. That's the beauty of infatuation really, you'll overlook all the weaknesses that exists. You're in love with being in love.
As time goes on, then you'll start seeing the cracks that were there. You start to think about the structure of your relationship. Is it stable? Is the foundation strong enough to balance the differences? You'll start seeing the bad and ugly side of that person. Yet, you still hang on to the relationship. For whatever reasons that you couldn't recall now.
Then suddenly, the fantasy ended. The beautiful dreams are snatched away from you. You're devastated, broken and hollow. Slowly you re-learn the life you had before you had him. slowly but surely, you began to pick up the pieces of your life.
Just when you started to move on, he came knocking at the door. No, u said, the door is locked. but he persists. begging. pleading. crying for forgiveness. oh, just to give him another chance. telling you what a fool he was for letting go a gem like you. Keeping the door half open, when you said that it was closed, you accepted him.
This time around, you've learned your lesson. You kept your expectations to a minimum, sacrificed your time to help him, please him, learned to accept the 'silence' sometimes. Despite all that, it's still hard. It hard when you do all the giving and yet, takes little in return. It's hard when you have to change, no, morph into something that you're not. But, very sure that this time, yes, this time it will work, you kept your optimism intact. Somehow, it's going to work. It must!
Then, again, the day came for him to tell you, sorry darling, this just wouldn't work. No no. It's not you. It's just me. and so on...
maybe this time around, you sort of saw it coming. You were prepared for it and were not hurt. Maybe it just stings a little. Whatever his reasons were, it simply didn't matter anymore. But since you've lost faith in him and the relationship, you let him go gladly. This time, you shed few tears. More out of anger to yourself and your stupidity than despair.
Or maybe you'll be even more broken. angry. mad. revengeful. bitter. and perhaps you imagine a thousand and one ways to make him suffer a horrible slow death.
but eventually, you move on. trust me.
Did it happen to me? Yes.
What happened to both of us now, you might want to ask.
We are still friends, though I kept it at a distance. He's always welcome if he wants to share about his problems, but I'll still keep my distance. No more frequent miss calls or SMSes. His number is filed under 'friends' and not 'special' anymore. My life has expanded into wider circle of friends, and I've spring cleaned my friendships, weeding out all the weeds, parasites and taking care of the genuine ones. But he's still there, albeit being a less active participant in my life, and I sorta like it that way.
Most importantly, I've learned to forgive and forget...and to forget about giving chances anymore. In the future, I'll close the door, permanently, to any more second chances.
My advice:
Men, you have only one shot at it. Use the chance wisely. There might be no doors to knock later.
Women, you have a choice. To be optimistic or to be real. Keep it open, keep it closed. It's your call.
Me, I move on. ^____^
Oh, we'll make it this time.
It will work out fine this time.
He's truly sorry. Surely he'll change.
You know, just like the time when...
You thought he was the one. The person that'll hold your hand as you walk the journey of life. You started as the best of friends until one day, you looked at each other and decided that the 'next step' is naturally the most natural thing to do. So you embark on the path of coupledom. You went on to experience the usual stuffs that couples have (well at least I think all couples went through this), you had our fair share of happy moments, tender moments as well as the ocassional bumpy rides. But you kept on. That's the beauty of infatuation really, you'll overlook all the weaknesses that exists. You're in love with being in love.
As time goes on, then you'll start seeing the cracks that were there. You start to think about the structure of your relationship. Is it stable? Is the foundation strong enough to balance the differences? You'll start seeing the bad and ugly side of that person. Yet, you still hang on to the relationship. For whatever reasons that you couldn't recall now.
Then suddenly, the fantasy ended. The beautiful dreams are snatched away from you. You're devastated, broken and hollow. Slowly you re-learn the life you had before you had him. slowly but surely, you began to pick up the pieces of your life.
Just when you started to move on, he came knocking at the door. No, u said, the door is locked. but he persists. begging. pleading. crying for forgiveness. oh, just to give him another chance. telling you what a fool he was for letting go a gem like you. Keeping the door half open, when you said that it was closed, you accepted him.
This time around, you've learned your lesson. You kept your expectations to a minimum, sacrificed your time to help him, please him, learned to accept the 'silence' sometimes. Despite all that, it's still hard. It hard when you do all the giving and yet, takes little in return. It's hard when you have to change, no, morph into something that you're not. But, very sure that this time, yes, this time it will work, you kept your optimism intact. Somehow, it's going to work. It must!
Then, again, the day came for him to tell you, sorry darling, this just wouldn't work. No no. It's not you. It's just me. and so on...
maybe this time around, you sort of saw it coming. You were prepared for it and were not hurt. Maybe it just stings a little. Whatever his reasons were, it simply didn't matter anymore. But since you've lost faith in him and the relationship, you let him go gladly. This time, you shed few tears. More out of anger to yourself and your stupidity than despair.
Or maybe you'll be even more broken. angry. mad. revengeful. bitter. and perhaps you imagine a thousand and one ways to make him suffer a horrible slow death.
but eventually, you move on. trust me.
Did it happen to me? Yes.
What happened to both of us now, you might want to ask.
We are still friends, though I kept it at a distance. He's always welcome if he wants to share about his problems, but I'll still keep my distance. No more frequent miss calls or SMSes. His number is filed under 'friends' and not 'special' anymore. My life has expanded into wider circle of friends, and I've spring cleaned my friendships, weeding out all the weeds, parasites and taking care of the genuine ones. But he's still there, albeit being a less active participant in my life, and I sorta like it that way.
Most importantly, I've learned to forgive and forget...and to forget about giving chances anymore. In the future, I'll close the door, permanently, to any more second chances.
My advice:
Men, you have only one shot at it. Use the chance wisely. There might be no doors to knock later.
Women, you have a choice. To be optimistic or to be real. Keep it open, keep it closed. It's your call.
Me, I move on. ^____^
Saturday, November 13, 2004
MR WISE GUY
Something I heard this afternoon spoken with finesse by our very own 5-years old Mr. WiseGuy Celvyn.
(merajuk)
spoken to his Mom:
"Baka nya kitai nggau anak?" (Iban)
"Macam tu ke layan anak?" (Malay)
"Is that how you treat your child?"
Celvyn never fails to amaze me. Like Chechen, his younger sis, he could come up with unexpected answers or responses. Makes me wonder how he and she will be in a few years time.
Selamat Hari Raya folks! Tomorrow after church will be celebrating Hari Raya with my cousin in Saratok. Yummy-yummy foods!!!
(merajuk)
spoken to his Mom:
"Baka nya kitai nggau anak?" (Iban)
"Macam tu ke layan anak?" (Malay)
"Is that how you treat your child?"
Celvyn never fails to amaze me. Like Chechen, his younger sis, he could come up with unexpected answers or responses. Makes me wonder how he and she will be in a few years time.
Selamat Hari Raya folks! Tomorrow after church will be celebrating Hari Raya with my cousin in Saratok. Yummy-yummy foods!!!
Friday, November 12, 2004
COCKTAIL OF EMOTIONS
Today, or rather yesterday, brought a cocktail of mixed feelings to me. On one hand, it's a pleasant one as today is Deepavali or also known as the festival of lights. It's a feast celebrating the victory of good over evil. In Sarawak it is not celebrated as grand as in Peninsular Malaysia due to the small population of Indians/Hindus here. The first time I've experienced deepavali was when I studied in West M'sia. And the food isss............ Mmmmmm... Yummy!
On the other note, I felt the loss when I watched the evening news and I heard the announcement of Arafat's death. Though death is inevitable and somehow is something that could be expected after his condition deteriorated, I still felt hard to accept the reality of his death. I'm no ardent admirer or supporter of his, but growing up with his face and struggles aired on TV and the newspapers, I've came to be familiar with his fight for freedom and liberation. And the admiration sort of grew along.
I ask myself, "How could this person who's a stranger to me, that I didn't personally know, and yet develop sort of attachment to?". I think he is a larger than life kind of man. He isn't afraid to ruffle feathers, regardless of whose feathers he ruffles. How many people will speak up for what (s)he thinks is right? How many more will simply shut up and follow?
If we look on his life, or maybe one day ponder on the eulogies people say about him, we will realize that THIS man has gone very far indeed. He'd been banished into exile, placed into house arrest and if he ever put his head out of his house, he'll resemble swiss cheese, and he still continue the fight. Some said that he's a terrorist, but who wouldn't be one, if everything that you have is violently wrenched away from you? But I've seen him trying to get the peace process to succeed.
Peace process... Hmmmm... Another interesting area of his life. Honestly speaking, the peace process is dragging very slowly with little progress. If only everyone involved would put their egoistical calculative agenda down and start building on a common ground. And the other parties indirectly involved or involving themselves, to stop putting their noses in whatever that's not their business and stop taking advantages.
I think this is his wish. Freedom for his people, and peace in the region.
As Moses saith to the Pharaoh.... " Let my people go"
and I did a quiz...
On the other note, I felt the loss when I watched the evening news and I heard the announcement of Arafat's death. Though death is inevitable and somehow is something that could be expected after his condition deteriorated, I still felt hard to accept the reality of his death. I'm no ardent admirer or supporter of his, but growing up with his face and struggles aired on TV and the newspapers, I've came to be familiar with his fight for freedom and liberation. And the admiration sort of grew along.
I ask myself, "How could this person who's a stranger to me, that I didn't personally know, and yet develop sort of attachment to?". I think he is a larger than life kind of man. He isn't afraid to ruffle feathers, regardless of whose feathers he ruffles. How many people will speak up for what (s)he thinks is right? How many more will simply shut up and follow?
If we look on his life, or maybe one day ponder on the eulogies people say about him, we will realize that THIS man has gone very far indeed. He'd been banished into exile, placed into house arrest and if he ever put his head out of his house, he'll resemble swiss cheese, and he still continue the fight. Some said that he's a terrorist, but who wouldn't be one, if everything that you have is violently wrenched away from you? But I've seen him trying to get the peace process to succeed.
Peace process... Hmmmm... Another interesting area of his life. Honestly speaking, the peace process is dragging very slowly with little progress. If only everyone involved would put their egoistical calculative agenda down and start building on a common ground. And the other parties indirectly involved or involving themselves, to stop putting their noses in whatever that's not their business and stop taking advantages.
I think this is his wish. Freedom for his people, and peace in the region.
As Moses saith to the Pharaoh.... " Let my people go"
and I did a quiz...
|
You Are From Mars |
You're energetic, althletic, and totally hyperactive. You love playing sports and being in the middle of all of the action. You're independent, courageous, and brave. Unafraid to do things your way. Mars can be reckless, quick tempered, and a little too spontaneous. So think before you act - and resist your natural urges to dominate others. |
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Update. Part One - of teachers
Sorry for the very short update yesterday. Was barely able to keep eyes open to check my emails. Hmmm... updates? here goes
Arrived in SK Nanga Beguang, Song, on Monday. Stayed here for the duration of me conducting the survey coz Bro. No. 1 is teaching here. Nice place on the side of the Rejang River (the longest river in M'sia). Rural place, lots of greens, but sadly no electricity and no cellular lines. Nak call, guna le 011. electricity is powered by generator.
Things like this makes me appreciate the hardships of all those teachers serving in the rural areas. They forgo all the 'luxuries' of urban life - electricity, piped water supply, etc- for the sake of providing education to the rural children. Coming from a family of teachers - Dad's a retired teacher, Bro & sis are teachers, a few of my cousins are teachers - i am very familiar with the sacrifices that teachers make. I saw Dad's passion in providing education to his students, emphasising the importance of learning to ensure that the students have a choice in getting a better future. Dad never complained about life in rural schools. Dad once served in one of the remotest school in Kapit and that was waaaayyyyy back in the 1970's where the trip from Sibu to Kapit takes a day and teacher's pay was not as it is now. With a small salary Dad provided for the family ( Mum, Bro no 1, no 2, and Sis. I came into the picture muuuucchhh later). I myself wouldn't know if I could survive what Dad went thru. I've always been proud of teachers.
But there are some issues that I've seen once I grew up. When I was in school, and when I taught in schools temporarily, the things I saw made me wonder whether the teaching profession is a noble profession. There are instances where I've seen those who became teachers for the sake of getting a job. Teaching is not a responsibility for them, it's simply a job. They have no interest to serve beyond the requirements. Going an extra mile is a burden to them. There are those who are in it solely for the attractive remuneration package. I'm not saying ALL teachers are like that, just a FEW (?!). There are SOME teachers who are really dedicated to their job and these are the ones that upheld the whole education philosophy. They instill knowledge, love of learning, morals, and values in their students. These teachers will leave an impact in their students' lives. I myself have greatly been influenced by some of my teachers.
Teachers leave an imprint in their student's life. Regardless whether it is a positive or negative. Student's remember their teachers, and classify them into groups - Good ones, Bad ones, and forgetable ones. Good ones are thoe who gave positive impact in their student's life and will surely be greeted in the Pasar looooonggg after their retirement with , "Cikgu masih ingat saya?"
Bad ones are those who the students remember too - albeit with less than pleasant memories. But still remembered.
The forgetable ones are those who did not leave an impact whatsoever. They are just like passing wind. Not remembered and forgotten.
Arrived in SK Nanga Beguang, Song, on Monday. Stayed here for the duration of me conducting the survey coz Bro. No. 1 is teaching here. Nice place on the side of the Rejang River (the longest river in M'sia). Rural place, lots of greens, but sadly no electricity and no cellular lines. Nak call, guna le 011. electricity is powered by generator.
Things like this makes me appreciate the hardships of all those teachers serving in the rural areas. They forgo all the 'luxuries' of urban life - electricity, piped water supply, etc- for the sake of providing education to the rural children. Coming from a family of teachers - Dad's a retired teacher, Bro & sis are teachers, a few of my cousins are teachers - i am very familiar with the sacrifices that teachers make. I saw Dad's passion in providing education to his students, emphasising the importance of learning to ensure that the students have a choice in getting a better future. Dad never complained about life in rural schools. Dad once served in one of the remotest school in Kapit and that was waaaayyyyy back in the 1970's where the trip from Sibu to Kapit takes a day and teacher's pay was not as it is now. With a small salary Dad provided for the family ( Mum, Bro no 1, no 2, and Sis. I came into the picture muuuucchhh later). I myself wouldn't know if I could survive what Dad went thru. I've always been proud of teachers.
But there are some issues that I've seen once I grew up. When I was in school, and when I taught in schools temporarily, the things I saw made me wonder whether the teaching profession is a noble profession. There are instances where I've seen those who became teachers for the sake of getting a job. Teaching is not a responsibility for them, it's simply a job. They have no interest to serve beyond the requirements. Going an extra mile is a burden to them. There are those who are in it solely for the attractive remuneration package. I'm not saying ALL teachers are like that, just a FEW (?!). There are SOME teachers who are really dedicated to their job and these are the ones that upheld the whole education philosophy. They instill knowledge, love of learning, morals, and values in their students. These teachers will leave an impact in their students' lives. I myself have greatly been influenced by some of my teachers.
Teachers leave an imprint in their student's life. Regardless whether it is a positive or negative. Student's remember their teachers, and classify them into groups - Good ones, Bad ones, and forgetable ones. Good ones are thoe who gave positive impact in their student's life and will surely be greeted in the Pasar looooonggg after their retirement with , "Cikgu masih ingat saya?"
Bad ones are those who the students remember too - albeit with less than pleasant memories. But still remembered.
The forgetable ones are those who did not leave an impact whatsoever. They are just like passing wind. Not remembered and forgotten.
Monday, November 08, 2004
HEAVY, SEXY EYES
Back from trip today.
very, very tired.
Grandma's here. She came here with me.
I'm sleepy.
*yawn*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
very, very tired.
Grandma's here. She came here with me.
I'm sleepy.
*yawn*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
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